Saturday, April 28, 2012
I have resigned from my stable, well-paying, great-benefits-providing, lots-of-time-off job.
I am scared to death.
There's healthy fear that pushes you to do things you have to do to survive. Like, "I have 5 dollars left in my checking account. I'd better get a job, FAST."
And then there's this fear that I suffer from. I am not so financially strapped that resigning is going to really hurt right away. I have time to think and plan and restructure my life. I don't HAVE to get a job immediately. But still, there is fear. Almost always. I have not yet really been able to rest in faith that I will be all right. I suppose that's partly because I have experienced how NOT all right life can get no matter what you do.
I was/am a good person. So was Dave. We did everything we were supposed to do and we loved each other and yet, we were torn apart. I don't necessarily feel as though I'm due for some luck now that I've been through the worst. It's more like I warily expect the other shoe to drop since nothing protected me before. Why would it now?
I can tell myself the opposite. I can tell myself that the worst has happened and now there is nothing to fear. I tell myself that all the time, but the fear has a more persistent voice so far.
I don't know what I want to do next. I also know that emotionally, mentally and physically, I'm not really primed for a total career restructuring right now. I'm still healing and that takes up a surprising amount of my energy. I know many others have worked as they actively grieved. I know that I could if I had to. It's just that the thought of it is overwhelming to me right now.
It helps to learn of others' struggles and how they dug themselves out, single-handedly.
It helps to talk to friends. It helps to have role models who are going through huge life change and still maintain faith that they'll come out okay. It helps to re-frame my thinking from doom and gloom to positivity. All of this helps, but none of it extinguishes the fear. Or the utter loneliness of forging a life without my best friend beside me.
I want him back. And with him, the feeling that my life had a direction and a purpose. I miss seeing our future in his eyes when I wasn't sure of it myself. I miss having someone who loved me more than anyone else on the planet. I miss seeing his faith in us reflected back at me. I miss feeling tethered to a future with him.